He Said:
It’s not like it’s the end of the world, you know.
Just in case you’re wondering, the world is not ending Saturday. Today’s five second theology primer concerns the Rapture, confused by many with the end of the world. On the contrary, the Rapture forecast for this weekend is more like the beginning of the end, a special kind of cosmic Bonnaroo in which the righteous among us simultaneously disappear, leaving the remainder to muck out their days attending festivals, eating and drinking, second lining, and engaging in other tawdry pursuits. But don’t give these clever biblical numerologists too much credit; we all know that a detailed vision of the Rapture was foreseen in the ’80′s, and here’s the evidence:
The problem with this whole notion of course, is the inconvenient truth that some dumbass scheduled this event right before the New Orleans Wine and Food Experience. I don’t know about you, but missing NOWFE is just not a risk we’re willing to take. Let me be very clear that despite much criticism over heavenly privacy policies the Rapture in not an opt-in experience. If you’ve inadvertently met the minimum requirements you will be Raptured whether you like it or not. This is kind of like walking past the ‘you must be this tall to ride’ sign and being forcibly thrown on the roller coaster.
Now, we want you to join us next week, May 25th, for the NOWFE Vintner Dinner at MiLA, featuring the wines of Sokol Blosser. I am assuming that chefs Slade and Allison-Vines Rushing are not scheduled for disappearance Saturday because that would really diminish the event. The cost is $125 per person inclusive, and details and a menu are here. I’ll repeat what I’ve said previously: We attend a Vintner Dinner each year, they are reliably incredible, Sokol Blosser makes terrific Pinots, and MiLa is easily one of the five or six best restaurants in the city. Also, we’re being joined by a number of friends, among them the writers of The Red Streetcar, Gourmet and Gourmand, and Fleurdelicious. So why on earth wouldn’t you go?
Maybe you’re afraid you’ll be Raptured this weekend and don’t want to make any big plans. That’s understandable, but I am here to help. If you fear you may be a divine bubble-team, a potential at-large participant on Selection Saturday, you still have time to ensure this is not so. Here’s a handy list of activities. Make sure you do a few of these over the next day or so and you can rest easy that your name will be wiped from the Rapture list, freeing you for dinner next Wednesday. You can thank me at MiLa.
- Assert that the earth is more than 4000 years old
- Believe in evolution
- Treat someone gay as, like, just another human being
- Dance (see Footloose for more information)
- Refuse to handle snakes
- Commit a crime against nature (this is an advanced strategy)
Good luck with the sinning, and we’ll see you next Wednesday!
